United States Formally Dissolved; A “Good Run” Had by Some
By: Fear-God Barebone (An Actual Puritan Name)
BOSTON (AP) - Citing a “good run,” Massachusetts Governor Maura Healy, alongside state officials and British colonists John Winthrop, Cotton Mather, and William Bradford, formally dissolved the United States of America.
“We did some great things,” Healey said to gathered press and curious onlookers who had never seen fully reanimated skeletons before. “The Massachusetts 54th, defeating fascism in Europe, winning the Cold War, putting a man on the moon – these are all things we as citizens of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts can be proud of. But ultimately, we felt it was time to pack things up and dissolve the United States.”
The reanimated bones of Winthrop were responsible for opening a dialogue with Governor Charlie Baker’s office two years ago. These talks continued into the Healey Administration.
“We brought Massachusetts and the United States into the world, and so only we can take it out,” Winthrop said at a press conference on Beacon Hill. “We kindly ask that Barstool Sports discontinue their “Massachusetts Made America” t-shirts.”
Winthrop, the second governor of the Colony of Massachusetts Bay, bluntly remarked that he and his fellow Puritan separatists had left England to form a “City on a Hill” and 400 years later they realized they had failed.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time. Before we boarded the Arbella in Southampton, I told our congregation that we should uphold our covenant with God to create a city on a hill. It didn’t work out. People are still sinning.”
Motivations for dissolving Massachusetts and the United States are varied. Winthrop, Mather, and Bradford were largely disappointed by the nonexistence of buckles on hats and the lack of an established theocracy. Baker and Healey, along with Winthrop, seem to agree that although Boston comprises many hills, it is just a regular city.
Healey, in her role as governor, was not included in initial dialogues held by the Baker Administration but stands behind the former governor’s role in opening negotiations.
“When I look at the Commonwealth and the United States, I see so much work to be done to make this nation a better place to live. Income and wealth inequality, racial and religious prejudice, climate change - these are all defining problems of our time. And frankly, we’re doing a bad job fixing these problems so it’s time to hand it off to someone else.”
Founded in 1620 by religious dissidents who sailed on the Mayflower, Plymouth colony was the second successful English settlement in North America. When asked why the second permanent English settlement had this power, and not the first in Jamestown, Virginia, former governor Charlie Baker noted that Virginia had already tried to dissolve the United States.
“The truth is Virginia hasn’t had that ability for a long time,” he said. “They actually used it when they committed treason in defense of slavery. Everyone knows you only get one shot to do this.”
Mather says that one thing all leaders can agree on is that Massachusetts has lost its way.
“When I was a child, my father ate first and then I ate last. We sat in silence and I was to only speak when spoken to. And there I was walking yesterday through the Boston Common and saw a child not only speaking but running. If the children are not eating leftover cornmeal and sitting quietly, how will they ever develop a sense of repression that will echo throughout the centuries?”
As for what happens next, state leaders are torn.
“We have many proposals on the table and we need to pick one before we can move ahead with the bidding process,” Healey said. “All options are on the table. A fleet of Mayflowers back to England is a potential option. We’re also investigating the possibility of re-annexation by the United Kingdom. We’re unsure if Canada will have us after what we did to them in the War of 1812.”
While it is unclear at press time how Baker initially encountered Winthrop, Mather, or Bradford, political analysts speculate that Mather likely used the powers of the occult to initiate the meeting, given his role in the Salem Witch Trials. The Boston Herald claimed that this was a sign of end times and that the prophecies of Revelation were coming true, but observers noted that the article in question was actually a recycled story about outdoor dining in the North End.
This is a work of satire. If you do think the dead are rising from their graves and influencing elected officials, I have a bridge in Brooklyn for you.