Thank you for joining us today for our Corporate Engagement Meeting, everyone’s favorite meeting of the year. Did everyone look over the agenda I sent in the calendar invite?
I guess I wouldn’t have either.
Today’s meeting agenda: Gay people. Pride Month, specifically. Here at Generic Corporation, gay pe- i mean, the L-G-B-T-Q-P-I-A-Plus community, is our #1 priority. There’s a number in there too, right? Two-Spirit? The acronym is starting to sound more like a secure password than anything, am I right?
Even though Pride Month is the same month every year, we don’t discuss it strategically in our board meetings until May. We’re too busy with all of the other history months: Black History Month, Women’s History Month, yadda yadda. We spend all of these months celebrating all of these groups, but if you ask me, when is it that we actually do our job and just promote our business? All of these minorities just want attention, and I guess the gay community is no different. At least they have parades.
Are there any extra layers we have to address this year? We learned our lesson in 2020 that when the customers want you to talk about racism, you talk about racism, but heck it’s 2024, they’ve all forgotten by now! I heard this year they’re trying to get us to promote intersectionality, but if you ask me, that’s something you only promote on the drive home, at a stop light. Haha!
Alright fine… let’s get started. I want to ask the room first, does anybody have any inventive ideas on how we can celebrate Pride Month as a company, and really look good to the customers?
Ken, you’re gay, do you have any ideas?
What, I’m not just supposed to say that out loud?
Fine, but don’t hate me for trying to keep our meeting fun. Gay Pride is nobody’s favorite time of the year, there’s too many opportunities to mess up!
I’m not supposed to say that either?
….. All of this aside, let’s figure out what we’re doing. I have a big idea. Intensive Brand Exposure. You heard me right, let’s slap our brand on every single piece of gay paraphernalia we can FIND. Let’s brainstorm items… think BIG!
Pride flags? Duh.
Condoms? Put it not just on the wrapper. On the rubber. The RUBBER, people! Dream big!
Canned fruity little cocktails? Sold.
Cheap makeup wipes that you use to take off the drug store makeup that you put on in secret in the office bathroom? Oddly specific, but I’ll let you have it, Terry.
What, Paul? You want to manufacture actual products? For the LGBTQ+ Community?
You know what happened to our dear friend and competitor Target – gratuitous threats of violence, widespread boycott on both sides of the aisle…
And that was singlehandedly one of the best business decisions for us in years! Share prices went through the roof due to their incompetence. You all got “performance bonuses” even though you all know none of you deserved it. We started paying our interns a whole dollar above minimum wage. In fact, we should’ve thanked Target for making their pedophile-friendly and tuck-friendly children’s bathing suits.
What? That wasn’t actually what happened?
All the same in the eyes of the stockholders! Haha!
This is a great start to our brainstorm, to ensure that we get the greatest return on our minimal investment to the L-G-B-T-Q-P-I-A-Plus community. Time is fleeting, just like Pride Month, and if we don’t act fast, then the month will be over and honestly no customers will notice that we didn’t do anything because the market is so oversaturated with rainbow logos from other companies so if we completely ignored Pride Month everything would be fine and I won’t have to face my insecurities with my sexuality and the ways I’ve discussed it with my mothe-
I mean, let’s move on to our next important topic: should we give employees a floating holiday on National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day?